The cycles of grief: a gentle approach to loss and change
Ever noticed how cyclical so many of the things in nature are? How cyclical we as human beings also are if we observe ourselves carefully enough.
As I write this, we are approaching a cycle shift, changing soon from winter to spring again. I have often felt like winter is a time to do deep work, to “go there” where lay things I have procrastinated confronting in my life, practically or even psychologically.
For me, this rhythmic way of moving through the year, carried in part with the seasons provides a sense of connectedness with nature and with wholeness, with what is bigger than me and reminds me that I too am just a part of something bigger than just me.
It gives me courage to trust the things that are shedding off of me, falling off like leaves and helps me trust that in due season, I will again emerge, with new leaves and new
direction.
As the first blooms begin to appear, I am able to feel the lightness of the deep work I have been doing internally and this fills me with anticipation, energy and openness for the months ahead.
As a therapist, I work closely each day with courageous people, with people who time and time again, show up ready to do the work and go there, but in all my years of work, I have not worked with anyone with whom this theme of grief does not come up in one way or another.
Trauma work is grief work, healing emotional dysregulation, dealing with changes and transitions in life, family dynamics, is all grief work, whatever the presenting problems I have encountered in the past decade, you name it, most reasons why people seek the help of a therapist bring up sooner or later, new or old grief that has been laying there, waiting for the cycle to shift again and for it to be time for us to “go there”.
Grief work is not for the faint of heart. It is hard work, it is exhausting and requires shedding, changing, growing and most of that can be painful despite it all often being good pain.
So slowly, methodically, cautiously and safely, we begin the work. I often recommend a holistic approach to grief work where I use a combination of grief theories.
I wanted to write a post about grief for those who might be looking to shed some of the leaves accumulated over time that are no longer full of life, for those wanting to “go there” but who might feel unsure of what a safe passage might look like.
Of course, this is not a substitute to therapy, support is the best and safest approach – as I say, you need a supporter when you’re in the deep. However, I wanted to provide some basic psychoeducation so you might perhaps recognize the patterns of grief and maybe consider a more formal supported process for this necessary work.
It is my conviction that the more we understand and have language for our challenges, the more empowered we can feel to move towards the lives we envisage for ourselves and away from the patterns that have us perpetually stuck in bad pain.
A working definition of grief that we can use for today is that grief, is the intense emotional suffering and distress that arises in response to the loss of someone or something significant, such as the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a cherished situation or object.
Grief can be triggered after a challenging health diagnosis, moving to a new country or a new city, it can happen from starting at a new school or changing sports club, someone we love dying or a pet dying, or vicariously, when someone we love is grieving, we can go through secondary compassionate grief.
Grief can also happen as a result of positive change too, and this particular grief can be confusing because of the paradox and conflict it creates in us. How we deal with this varies person to person but here are three theories that I like to draw from in my work.
The Theoretical approaches
1. Kübler-Ross Model (Five Stages of Grief)
This model mainly focuses on some key emotions Kubler Ross observed in people who were preparing for dying and their families. This concept of course has now been applied across domains and now covers grief in the general sense, not just grief around death and dying.
Kubler-Ross identified five key stages with some central features. While widely recognized, the Kübler-Ross model is often misunderstood as a linear process. In reality, people may not experience all stages or may move back and forth between them, or just like the theme of this post, we can find ourselves in cycles of grief themed around some of these emotions.
Stages:
Denial – here people struggle to accept the reality of the loss. There is often a sense of shock or disbelief.
Anger – As the reality of the loss sets in, people may experience anger, frustration, or resentment. This anger can be directed at themselves, others, or even someone who has passed away.
Bargaining – people may attempt to negotiate or try to find alternate ways to escape the pain of the loss, hoping to reverse or mitigate the loss.
Depression – a person may feel deep sadness, despair, and hopelessness as they confront the magnitude of the loss.
Acceptance – The individual begins to come to terms with the loss, finding a way to move forward while acknowledging the change in their life.
For me, growing up in many places, crossing many cultures and building friendships in transition meant that I was often grieving. Of course at the time, I did not know about grief as a concept but I often felt a sense of nostalgia in the present, like a foreboding of the loss to come. Losses that would inevitably come as we were all in in between kind of world. As I matured and learned to integrate grief, I learned to see the stages in rhythm and to move with them. I learned to continue bonds and maintain relationships long distance while also building new ones.
I can’t say that this was all smooth sailing, theres been bumps and still are, but for the most past, this frequent grief has led me to live with a proclivity to gratitude. It also taught me earlier than most to “go with” grief rather than try to fight against it.
2. Attachment Theory and Grief
Originally developed by John Bowlby, extended by Colin Murray Parkes, they believed that grief was rooted in the attachment bonds we form with others.
Because of this lens, they believed that when a significant attachment figure is lost, it can lead to intense grief responses. I often like to think about how we can become attached to places, not just people and how this might also be a helpful reminder that we may grief places too in similar ways that we grief people.
The phases they identified were:
Numbness or Shock – the Initial reaction to the loss, often characterized by disbelief and emotional numbness.
Yearning and Searching – People here may experience intense longing and a search for reminders of the loss.
Disorganisation and Despair – People may feel confused, lost, and unable to reorient themselves to life without the deceased.
Reorganisation and Recovery – Gradually, people begin to accept the loss and rebuild their life, forming new attachments and finding new meaning.
Particularly relevant to the attachment lens in grief work, if we think back to the impact of the pandemic on communities around the world and the disorganisation, disorder, reorganisation and reorder that has followed, it can help to shed a compassionate light on some of the unspoken mental load that has been carried collectively.
There seems to be a social re-ordering of sorts happening where we are returning to ourselves and to each other. Maybe it takes loss of certain magnitudes to really force us back to what really matters.
3. Worden’s Tasks of Mourning
Accept the Reality of the Loss – Confronting the fact that the loss is real, and that the person is gone.
Process the Pain of Grief – Allowing yourself to feel and work through the emotional pain and other symptoms of grief.
Adjust to a World Without the loss – Adapting to the changes that come with the loss, including changes in roles, responsibilities, and identity.
Find an Enduring Connection with the loss While Moving Forward - Establishing a new way to relate to the deceased while continuing with life. This might involve finding meaning or purpose in the loss.
The Application
When it comes to grief work as I mentioned above, slow and steady but methodically, conscientiously chipping away at it is the best way.
If we are to return to the idea of cycles of grief and the weather of nature and how it is impacted by the shifts, the twists the turns – doing this grief work could be noticing what emotions are rising up in us throughout the day, it could be working in some anchoring process for the disorienting nature of the attachment-based detachment and finally, it could be finding language that helps to create enduring connection while moving forward. The most important thing I hoped to incite in your minds as you read this blog was that grief comes and goes - its a moving thing and so, in time - it too will pass, it will evolve and it will change. Trust it, and trust yourself.
Some final thoughts
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer and that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
― Albert Camus
A wink at a dear colleague of mine who shared this beautiful quote with me at a time I needed it so: “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
References
Author: Vanessa Bendikov
CLINICAL PSYCHOTHERAPIST | SUPERVISOR | DIRECTOR
